Our Minds.  The seat of our Consciousness.  And our Unconsciousness.  And our SuperConsciousness.  And our Other-than-Consciousness. And some say The Collective Unconscious.  Like those we see on a Friday night outside the bars in the High Street.

No!  No, no, no!!  Have you learned nothing from Geraint?  The Mind is the jabbering monkey of the spirit, endlessly analysing what we did, what others did, what Sharon from Accounts did at the Christmas party, what was on EastEnders last night. 

No.  Wrong.  The mind is not important.

Ahhh, our Body.  The Temple of the human spirit.  My body is a Temple.  I call it Shirley.  We must take care of our bodies.  They must be maintained.  Cleansed.  Sometimes they have to undergo major works - you know, undergoing repointing, getting the plumbing redone, inserting a new damp-course.

So are our bodies the most important thing?  No, don't be daft.  So you, you vain body-builder-type, you can stop all that.  There's no spirituality in your body.  Stop worshiping your temple and put your focus where it's needed.

Our Souls.  Our Souls.  Yes.  The message from Geraint has got through to you - congratulations.  Our Souls are important.  They are often overlooked.

But Our Souls must be looked after.  And they do take some looking after.  We must take care of what goes into Our Souls.  Very great care, if we don't want to end up in the Casualty Department of Neville Hall Hospital.  And we must also get into the habit of examining what comes out of Our Souls.  That way true enlightenment lies.

You believe that for your life to have meaning you must have buckets of money.  Even more than you can eat.  This is a common mis-perception.  It's widely believed, of course.  But people who believe this are wrong.  And misguided.  Luckily Geraint can help you.

You see, for your life truly to have meaning, Geraint must have buckets of your money - more than he can eat.

You believe that for your life to have meaning, you must have a Karmic Peace that Radiates from you, illuminating The Less Enlightened Souls around you.

I'm tempted to say "Get a life", but we can work on this process for you, though it will be lengthy and expensive.  And unsure in its outcome.  Well, actually, that's not strictly true, the outcome is fairly predictable - Geraint will gain more money than he knows what to do with.

You believe that for your life to have meaning, you must have that cute blonde in Accounts.

Fair enough.  Go for it.

You believe that for your life to have meaning, you must have all your DVDs in alphabetic order, catalogued and cross-indexed.

Now here, less enlightened practitioners might diagnose Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and treat your condition with high doses of maintenance drugs and Rational-Emotive Behavioural Therapy or Electro-Convulsive Therapy.

But Geraint did not make his name by following the easy path!  You have a need that is not being fulfilled and are engaging in avoidance behaviour. 

I will go straight to the root of the problem and allow that need to be fulfilled! So come around my place three times a week, do the cleaning and sort out my DVD collection.  You'll feel far better for it.

For your life to have meaning, you must have two fingers of a decent Single Malt inside you.

Now, what service is that Single Malt performing? 

Is it providing a certain warm glow of opulence that is tragically lacking in your sad, incomplete life? 

Is it overwhelming your senses with the rich aromatic and complex esther and phenolic compounds, now released that have been trapped for aeons in that dark, brooding liquid?

Or is it just getting you pissed?

For your life to have meaning, you must have two fingers inside you.

Well, that's just the sort of filth that I expect from you.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  Your Mam would cry if she heard that.  Shame on you.

After watching the film "The Secret", you felt enlightened.

Now look - The Secret is a pale reflection of the kind of ancient wisdom closely guarded by sages of antiquity that Geraint has been passing on to a select group of (admittedly high-paying clients) over a period of many, many weeks.

Forget "The Secret" - Geraint has been sharing his ancient knowledge of abundance and how the Universe works "The Mystery, Enigma or Riddle (n.)" with great results.  Geraint can see benefit in you investing in "The Mystery, Enigma or Riddle (n.)" too.

After watching the film "The Secret", you felt confused.

Yes, many people did.  It's not you.  There was not enough explanation of specifically what actions one should take.

The actions needed are at once obvious and hidden.  You need to engage your prosperity consciousness.  You need to initiate the giving in order that others can benefit.  You need to give Geraint wads of money.  The more the better.

After watching the film "The Secret", you felt conned.

Absolutely.  However, we find that you need to have enough reference experiences to know whether you have been truly conned or not. 

Perhaps you need to spend more money with Geraint to find out whether you have been truly conned.

After watching the film "The Secret", you felt the clammy hand of your partner on your thigh.

Now look, some people pay good money for this, Geraint assures us.  As "The Secret" tells us, just be grateful, accepting and release all expectations.  And while you're at it, you might as well release those little fastners on your blouse...

You have returned from an (admittedly expensive) coaching session with Geraint.  You want to tell everyone that Geraint made you realise you need to change your worldview.

Well, of course, as Geraint says, when you change your worldview, your view of the world will change.  It's both simple and fundamental.  And when your view of the world changes, so does your view on everything else.  You're looking at it from a different angle. 

And this changes everything,  Well, it won't change the fact that biro stains are hard to get out of white cotton, but most things change.  So what can you do with that new perspective?  You can look at things differently. Squint if you like, but not too much, as it can be desperately unattractive.

You have returned from an (admittedly expensive) coaching session with Geraint.  You want to tell everyone that Geraint made you realise you need to change your underpants.

Change does not come any more fundamental than this.  You need to celebrate the change you're about to make.  Geraint says it's sometimes the invisible changes like this that are the most transformational. 

Don't be misled that many people may not see and appreciate the change you're about to make - although those close to you may value the lack of odour...

This whole process is so fundamental, Geraint will be covering it in his new book and DVD - Change Your Pants - Change Your Life.

You have returned from an (admittedly expensive) coaching session with Geraint.  You want to tell everyone That Geraint is the co-creator of your new holistic perspective embracing planetary alignment, respect for the environment and mind-altering substances.

Yes, well, best that you just admit you're a hippy and check yourself into rehab.  Or a secure unit specialising in the delusional, out of touch souls that need help - you know, morning TV presenters and the like.

Anyway, before you do that, just sign up for Geraint's new two-year transformational programme "Grow Rich and Think".  Many people have it the wrong way around.  You need to do the growing rich bit before you get all spiritual.  Geraint will be role modelling exactly how you do this on the programme.  Watch and learn a master at work.

You have returned from an (admittedly expensive) coaching session with Geraint. You want to tell everyone that Geraint is the father of your lovechild.

Now many paternity claims have been made by lunatics ever since Geraint has been super-successful (and even before).  Every adoring young girl (and many men - you know who you are) have made these baseless claims.

Needless to say, Geraint has a high moral code and a reputation to live up to.  Geraint would never compromise his ethical and moral principles by stooping this low.  Unless you are a really good shag.

You willingly give vast sums of money to Geraint because of the return on investment that always follows, as night follows day.

Of course - you obviouslyt have the abundance mentality, and will be successful yourself.  And this abundance mentalist is good for you.  Now Geraint has pointed this out, how about a large donation to Geraint's "Help A Welsh Guru" fund?

You willingly give vast sums of money to Geraint because the universe being abundant, and what comes around goes around.

Geraint is so pleased when he comes across someone so enlightened as you.  The process you engage in is one of the secrets of the ancients.  Truly it will bring you wealth and satisfaction beyind measure.

This habit does need to be encouraged, of course, and needs to be exercised regularly.  Geraint is happy to act as a recipient of your donations, so that you can gain the benefits you're seeking.

You willingly give vast sums of money to Geraint because of that lapse of reason that resulted in Geraint suing you for defamation.

Ah, it's you.  Run along now, and say nice things about Geraint, or he'll sue you again.

You willingly give vast sums of money to Geraint because of Geraint telling you that you should.

You are a pure being.  You have belief.  You have pure intentions.  You are uncorrupted by the constricting rules and conventions of society relating to property, ownership and giving.  You're a hippy.  Geraint smiles a deep and genuine smile when he comes across someone like you.

It's obvious that you will reach your spiritual Nirvana.  And getting rich in the process is assured.  That is, someone will certainly get rich in the process of you reaching your Nirvana.  You can be grateful for that.